A quickie!
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just
a
minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sat Jul 31, 2004 7:00 am Post subject: Lists
Thirteen Random Thoughts.....
13. Don't take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
12. Life is sexually transmitted.
11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich!
9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
8. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of
nothing.
6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
1. You read about all these Terrorists and that most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as
10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with
a
video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster
in charge of immigration.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sat Jul 31, 2004 8:48 am Post subject: Clowns, clowns clowns
Top signs you hired the wrong clown for your kids party
1) By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my
finger" trick.
2) Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
3) Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
4) References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
5) Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
6) Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
7) Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
8 ) Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
9) Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
10) Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
11) More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
12) A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
13) Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
14) Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."
15) All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sat Jul 31, 2004 7:38 pm Post subject: Single guys unite
Why beer is better than women!!!
- You can enjoy a beer all month long
- Beer stains wash out
- You don't have to wine and dine beer
- Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
- When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
- Hangovers go away
- A beer label comes off without a fight
- Beer is never late
- Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
- When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
- Beer never gets a headache
- After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
- A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
- If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
- A beer always goes down easy
- You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
- You can share a beer with your friends
- You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
- Beer is always wet
- Beer doesn't demand equality
- You can have a beer in public
- A beer doesn't care when you come
- A frigid beer is a good beer
- You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
- If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 01, 2004 3:23 pm Post subject: Additonal Warning Labels on Alcohol
13. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you
are not.
12. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
11. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
7. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
1. Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 01, 2004 3:25 pm Post subject: CREATIVE PICK-UP LINES
(And the ones voted least likely to work)
1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be
2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way
6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
switch away.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 01, 2004 6:27 pm Post subject:
Pick up lines - continued
- Do you wash your clothes in windex??? Cause baby I can really see myself in your pants...
- Baby, that sweater is very becoming on you... but if I was on you, I'd be coming too
- Honey you must be from Memphis cause you're the only Ten-I-see (Tenessee)
- Bad girl... go to my room
- Did the sun just come out or were you just smiling at me?
- You with all those curves .... and me with no brakes
- I love your dress, it would look so nice crumpled up on the floor of my bedroom
- You're perfect baby except for that little problem with your legs... what problem? .... the problem with your legs is that I ain't between them
- I love every bone in your body, especially mine....
- Let me ask you do you have any Italian (ethnic) in you.... Would you like some???
- Who here likes blow jobs?? (pointing to self) This guy !!!
- Can I take you home?? My mom will be here with station wagon soon...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2004 3:53 am Post subject: CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Now send it to 10 or more people with in the next 5 minutes!
And good luck!
Nothing will happen but 10 people laughing at these Proverbs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Aug 06, 2004 7:09 pm Post subject: Euphemisms For Slacking Off At Work
15. De-nosing the grindstone.
14. Training for a career in management.
13. Not working.
12. Awaiting awkward discovery prior to pursuing new opportunities
elsewhere.
11. Conserving the midnight oil.
10. Testing the corporate firewall's ability to stop indecent
images.
9. Consulting.
8. Battling the dreaded the Minesweeper virus.
7. Defragging the brain drive.
6. Reaping the rewards of superior delegation.
5. In conference with the Olsen twins.
4. Thinking outside the cube.
3. Letting opportunity open its own damn door.
2. Zero-tasking.
1. Enabling real-time back-end utilization.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sat Aug 14, 2004 6:18 am Post subject:
MEN are screwed either which way... huh???
MEN are screwed either which way... huh???
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries......now we
know....
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off
your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...... you're a
pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape......you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements.....you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.
scroll down
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Men die first because they want to.
_________________
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 12:08 pm Post subject: going up
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 12:19 pm Post subject: License plates
Bumper Sticker Sayings
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 6:49 am Post subject: WORDS WOMEN USE
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes
is only five minutes if you
have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around
the house.
NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something,"
and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".
GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will
pay for your mistake.
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 12:27 pm Post subject: Computer Nightmares
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 12:29 pm Post subject: It happened to Angela
My fellow co-worker: "I can't live without my email!"
In my head: " Oh yeah, lets see you prove it"
******
Can you teach me how to set the laser printer to "stun"
******
I have a great arrangement at work:
I pretend to work and they pretend to pay me
Last edited by Peter on Mon Aug 30, 2004 9:38 am; edited 1 time in total
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 12:36 pm Post subject: Techie life
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance
as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor.
He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''
The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft.
He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be
when I get it.''
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 7:58 pm Post subject: That'll keep them quiet
The Dallas Cowboys football team was flying in to play in the superbowl one
year. All of a sudden, the airplane starts bouncing around like an elephant
is dancing on the wings. The pilot is a little worried, so he sends the stewardess
to take a look in the back to see what is going on.
A few moments later, the turbulance stops and the stewardess calmly takes her seat next to the captain. The captain is curious, so he asks: "What happened???"
The stewardess explains that the football players, getting bored of just sitting around, had decided to start practice in the plane. They were passing the ball, blocking, running up and down the aisles....
"So, how did you get them to stop??", asks the captain. To which
the stewardess replies: " It was easy, I just asked them politely to
please go and play outside."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 8:07 pm Post subject: That's not right
TRULY A DIE-HARD FAN!
Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he gets to the stadium, he realizes his seat's in the the last row in the corner of the stadium. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
A few moments later, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and walks all the way down, avoiding security guards to snatch the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the guy next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says, "No." Excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob shouts, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No,"
the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 8:11 pm Post subject: But what does that mean
Why do airlines hate to sell plane tickets to clowns????
Cause they refuse to return the stewardess to her original upright position
Back to top
Peter
Regular
Joined: Jul 26, 2004
Posts: 49
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 12:23 pm Post subject: Ah well
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.
In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons
for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2004 3:59 pm Post subject: Driving too
fast
Some guy, in a brand new ferrarri that he just bought, was rolling down the
highway. He decided that since there were no other cars on the road that he
would see just how fast he could drive in his new toy. After about 5 minutes
or so, he noticed a motorcycle cop following him with his lights flashing....
The man thought: "This is a ferrarri, I can outrun this cop."
So the man speeds up and actually loses sight of the cop at which point the man comes to his senses and asks "what the hell am I doing?"
He stops the cars and waits for the cop.
The cop catches up to him and confesses: "listen I have about 10 minutes until my shift ends and if you can give me one good reason for going so fast, I'll let you go."
So the man says: "Well, the truth is that 5 years ago my wife ran away with a motorcycle cop."
The cop protests: "What the hell does that have to do with anything?"
The guy answers: "I thought you were the cop that took my wife and that you were following me to try and give her back..."
The cop responds: "Good answer, you're free to go."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2004 4:59 pm Post subject: re: driving too fast
The Pope was in america for the first time in years and the americans arranged
for him to travel in style. The provided him with a beautiful white stretch
limo. The Pope thought to himself: "I never drove a car before, this
would be a good opportunity".
He asked the chauffeur to sit in the back and let him drive. What could the poor guy do? It's the Pope for goodness sake.
So now the Pope is tearing down the highway going faster and faster until inevitably a cop starts to follow, lights flashing. The cop gets out of his patrol car and walks up to the window... He looks at the Pope, pauses a while, turns white as a ghost and walks back to confer with the sherriff on the police band.
Cop says: "Sherriff, I pulled over a VIP. What do I do?"
Sherriff: "Heh heh, who is it the governor again?"
Cop: "Nope. bigger"
Sherriff: "Who is it the president?"
Cop: "Nope. bigger"
Sherriff: "Son... who the hell could be bigger than the president of
these here United States???"
Cop: "I don't know sir... but to give you some idea, the Pope is his
chauffeur!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 8:15 pm Post subject: Good come back
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day, "the Policeman said.
The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without
a ticket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 12:11 pm Post subject: Gates is a weenie
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Laws on Sex:
1) The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave
her with no hard feelings.
2) Nothing improves with age.
3) No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
it'll never be quite the same again.
4) Sex has no calories.
5) Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6) There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7) Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
9) Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
how long it is going to last.
10) A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11) If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12) Virginity can be cured.
13) When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening
to him.
14) Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15) The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
ones she can't stand years later.
16) Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17) It is always the wrong time of month.
1 The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19) When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20) Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
either.
21) Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22) The younger the better.
23) The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24) It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused
the trouble in the garden.
25) Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26) Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27) There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.
But there is nothing exactly like it.
2 Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29) Love is a hole in the heart.
30) If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31) Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32) Do it only with the best.
33) Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
words to convey its full meaning.
34) One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35) You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36) Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37) It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
3 Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.
39) Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40) Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not So Crazy
Victor and Donna were both patients in a mental hospital.One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Victor
suddenly jumped in the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Donna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Victor to safety.
When the psychiatric director became aware of Donna's heroic act he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Donna the news he said, "Donna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is Victor, the patient you saved, hung himself in
the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am sorry, but he's dead." Donna replied, "He didn't hang himself,
I put him there to dry. How soon do I go home?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2004 1:56 pm Post subject: The only playground joke I remember
The chief of the cannibals
One day the chief of a tribe of cannibals was feeling very constipated. So he went to the witch doctor's hut and said: "Big chief, no caca"...
The witch doctor prepared a mild herbal tea to help out his chief and sent him home. The next day, there is a knock on the door and the chief says: "Big chief, no caca"...
This time the doctor prepared a powerful potion guaranteed to flush out the toughest blockages. He gives it to the chief and, again, sends him home. The next day, there is a knock on the door and the chief says: "Big chief, no caca"...
This time, the witch doctor gets really mad and puts in all kinds of potions
and laxatives and a mild form of Drano clog remover. He tells the chief, if
this doesn't work, I will quit my job and leave the village forever. The next
day, there is a knock on the door. The witch doctor is discouraged but he
opens the door only to discover the chief's wife. She looks very concerned.
The witch doctor asks what is wrong, to which the chief's wife answers: "Big
caca, no chief!!!!"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 6:37 am Post subject: Speaking of cannibals
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
'Cause they taste funny!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 9:07 pm Post subject: Duck!!!!
A duck walks into a bar. He looks at the bartender and asks:
"Got any grrrrrapppes"....
Bartender tells him no. So the duck leaves. The very next day the same little
duck walks into the bar. He looks at the bartender and asks:
"Got any grrrrrapppes"....
Again the bartender says no. So the duck leaves. The very next day the same
little duck walks into the bar. He looks at the bartender again and asks:
"Got any grrrrrapppes"....
This time the bartender is furious and yells:
"I said no three times you little pest - and the next time you come in
here and ask me for grapes I'm going to staple your mouth shut - now get out!"
So the duck leaves again. And the very next day the same little duck walks
into the bar again. He looks at the bartender again and asks:
"Got any staples"....
The bartender is taken aback - not expecting the question, he hesitantly replies: "ummm, no..."
So the little duck says: "Good. In that case, got any grrrrrapppes"....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 01, 2004 5:52 pm Post subject: Kids say the darndest things
A little kid answers the phone as follows:
"Hello.... you don't say..... you don't say...... you don't say...... "
Then he hangs up the phone without another word. His mother asks him: "Sweety,
who was that on the phone just now?" To which the little boy answers:
"they didn't say"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 01, 2004 6:03 pm Post subject: new math
Simple logic
to get the girl, you need time and money...
Girl = time x money
but time is money....
Girl = money x money
and money is the root of all evil
Girl = vevil x vevil
therefore girls are evil
Girl = evil
QED
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sat Aug 07, 2004 10:17 pm Post subject: Hold your horse befire the cart
A little is going to demonstrate his counting skills to his father
Kid " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8....."
Father " Hey what happened to six????"
Kid " I'm getting there, I'm getting there..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Going to Pot
Q: How do you know when you've smoked enough pot?
A: When you start looking around for the directions on how
to use the lighter.
Q: How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two... one to hold the bulb against the socket, and the
other to smoke up until the room starts spinning.
Q: What's the difference between a drunk guy and a stoner
at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it, the stoner waits for it to turn green.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy. The Texan says, "I like it here. The temperature is just like Texas in June.
The Devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He find him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Texas in July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Texan really suffer. He goes oer to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 deegrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what the Texan is up to," he says. So he goes looking for the Texan. He find him taking his shirt off, even happier than before. The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Texas in August".
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He goes over and
turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees. "Let's see what
the Texan has to say about this. "The Devil looks around and finds the
Texan jumping up and down for joy yelling, "THE RANGERS HAVE FINALLY
WON THE WORLD SERIES!".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 8:48 pm Post subject: Yes dear
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want
the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women
on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God was angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 8:51 pm Post subject: I said hymn
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra
money, and he asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual
into the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three
most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sun Aug 01, 2004 6:11 pm Post subject: All dogs go to heaven
One day, an engineer dies... and apparently, all engineers are supposed to
go to heaven... but there is a mix up and he ends up in hell. He sees how
hot it is and how awful the conditions are and decides to use his training
to repair a few things.
A few weeks later, God is making his rounds... just to rub it in, he asks the devil: "so how are things down here" very sarcastically.
The devil says: "things have never been better. We got an engineer down here and he set up central air conditioning, fixed the roads, brought us indoor plumbing.... it feels almost like heaven..."
God replies: "WHAT.... How did you get your hands on an engineer... Give him back or I'll sue..."
To which the devil says: "Yeah... and where are YOU gonna get a lawyer???"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 8:18 pm Post subject: A little risqué...
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arse kid in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say, if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is
restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head,
and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with
your other hand"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 8:32 pm Post subject: Ah hell
Three guys, an italian - a frenchman - and a black man appear before the devil
in hell. He makes them the following offer to redeem their souls...
"There are three doors here. To get out of hell, you must open each door and successfully complete a mission inside each room. In the first room, you must drink 100 bottles of beer. In the second room, is a frightful monster. You must, with your bare hands, pull out his teeth. In the third room, you will find a very ugly woman. You must make love to her. Only after completing these tasks, you may go free."
All three men accept the challenge. The frenchman goes first, but after 20 beers, he passes out drunk. The italian goes next. Since he has been drinking wine from the age of 11, he has no problem chugging the beer. He proudly advanced to the next room, opens the door and *CHOMP* gets devoured by a hideous monster.
The black guy goes next. He has a little problem downing the last beer but slowly staggers to the second door. He quickly opens the door and scurries through really fast....
In the moments that follow, from inside the room is heard an awful, inhuman sound. *GRAWRRR* *GRRRAHHHH* *GURRRH*
Suddenly the noises stop and unbelievably, the black man walks out. He looks
straight at the devil and says: "So, where is the bitch with da bad teeth?"
as he cooly zips his pants back up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 8:42 pm Post subject: HEY
What do you get when you throw a mime off the empire state building?
Applause
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 8:54 pm Post subject: What??
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one young and newlywed wanted
to join a temple. The rabbi said, "We have special requirements for new
congregants. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The rabbi went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, rabbi." "Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!" said the rabbi.
The rabbi went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!" said the rabbi.
The rabbi then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No rabbi, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the rabbi.
"Well, we made it though the first week. But then my wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
temple," stated the rabbi. "We know." said the young man, "We're
not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sat Jul 31, 2004 7:52 pm Post subject: Bad service
A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants
a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice
cream.
"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."
"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."
"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.
"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."
"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"
"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"
"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"
"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"
"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.
"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no fuck in chocolate!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you, moron, now get out of my
store."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: Sat Jul 31, 2004 8:28 pm Post subject: Father knows best
A little boy comes home and tells his father that they are studying the difference
between Theory and Practice at school. But he just can't grasp the difference...
So his father takes him over to his sister and proceeds to ask her the following:
Father - "Honey, would you sleep with a man, if he offered you $5000?"
Sister - "Yeah, sure dad... I could buy myself a car and everything."
So the father takes his son down to see the mother and asks the same question again:
Father - "Honey, would you sleep with a man, if he offered you $5000?"
Mother - "No way... I would never"
Father - "How about if it was $10,000?"
The wife seeing that her husband is playing some kind of joke on her decides to just say yes, to get him out of her hair. So the father turns to his son and asks:
Father - "So son, do you understand the difference now?"
Son - "No dad, I'm even more confused."
Father - "It's simple son.... In theory, we have a $15,000 investment.
But In practice, all we have is a couple of sluts."
Posted July 8th, 2005
