The wit of Steven Wright

• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
  
• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
  
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  
• I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  
• So what's the speed of dark?
  
• How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?
  
• After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
  
• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
  
• If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
  
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
  
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
  
• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
  
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  
• If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  
• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
  
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  
• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
  
• Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
  
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  
• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  
• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
  
• If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
  
• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
  
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  
• When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
  
• Do fish get cramps after eating?
  
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
  
• Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
  
• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
  
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
  
• Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
  
• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
  
• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
  
• If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
  
• Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  
• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
  
• Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
  
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
  
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
  
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
  
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  
• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
  
• Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
  
• Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
  
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
  
• Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
  
• War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
• What's another word for "thesaurus"?
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
• When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
• I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
• I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
• I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
• I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
• I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
• I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
• I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
• I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
• I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
• I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
• My school colors were clear.
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
• I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
• My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
• I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
• My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
• He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
• Hermits have no peer pressure.
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
• There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
• Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
• Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
• I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
• I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
• It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
• Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
• I'm a peripheral visionary.
• I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
• Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
• The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
• Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?