Q: Whats the best thing about having sex with a 10 year old? A: You can pretend shes 5. Q: Whats the best thing about having sex with a 5 yr old? A: When you hear her pelvis break. Q: Whats the worst thing about having sex with a 5 yr old? A: When she says shes had better. Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common? A: They both squirm when you eat them. Q: Whats 69 and 69? A: Dinner for four. Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear? A: Because their peckers are on their faces. Q: Whats worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper? A: Being fingered by Captain Hook. Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano? A: Crabs on your organ. Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool? She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time. Q: How do you make a hormone? A: Don't pay her. Q: Why have lepers got soft heads? A: So their friends can dip their chips in.Did you hear about the Leper Card game? One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes out. Q: Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'? A: About 4 inches. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout? A:When he eats his first Brownie. Q: Whats the difference between Like and Love? A: Spit and Swallow. Q: How does a women hold her liquor? A: By the ears. Q: Whats the difference between men and jelly beans? A: Jelly beans come in difference colours. Q: What do Rubiks cube and a penis have in common? A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets! Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps? A: So they don't whistle on the way down. Q: How can you tell a macho women? A: She rolls her own tampons. Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common? A: They're both filled with stiffs - only ones coming and ones going. Q: How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you? A: There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary. Q: How do you recycle a used tampon? A: As a tea-bag for vampires. Q: What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator? A: Wet, Wet, Wet
What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job Did you hear about the poof who got fired from the Sperm Bank? He was caught drinking on the job What do you do in case of fallout? Put it back in and take shorter strokes What's better than a rose on your piano? Two lips on your organ What is the definition of pure agony ? F**king a meat mincer! What's a 68? You do me, and I'll owe you one! Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top? Because Ronnie can only f*ck up Why do women have two holes so close together? In case you miss How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear? Look for dandruff on her shoes What's the ultimate in rejection? When your wanking hand falls asleep What is organic dental floss? Pubic hair What are the three greatest lies? a)the cheque is in the mail b)small is beatiful c)I won't come in your mouth Q :How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid ? A :When you open her legs the lights go on A man walks into a jewlers, unzips his trousers, and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands on this," replies the man. Which of the following doesn't belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob. Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd? A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up. Q: What's the difference between a woman(man) and a toilet? A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it. Q: What's got four legs and one arm ? A: A Rotwieller. One day a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel,dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" He replies "Yes I'd like a girl for the night." She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200 (actually 200 pounds but the key doesn't work). To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs." The boy says "But shes got to have active Herpies." The Madam replys "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200. The Madam says "OK,she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins". So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face,still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here,dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with active herpies?". "Well,it's like this",he says "When I get home tonight I f*ck the baby-sitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work,the milkman will come round, fuck my mother and he'll get it." AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!
On the first evening of their honeymoon they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey", she says,"now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is ?" He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. "*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her. "Oh", she exclaimed, "it's like a dick, but much smaller." ******* Q. What does american beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common? A. They are both fucking close to water! ******* There are three people in a pub. Two of them do talk together. They seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are brooding. The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I fuck (I translate as best as possible !) only once every month"... Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true. In my case it's only once every other month". Then both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful. They are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw. "Once every six monthes" says the fellow. "Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy ?" And the third replies "Because it's tonight !!!" ****** A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in and closes the zipper. The Woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man. Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing. After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask: "Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?" "Oh - you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze I get an orgasm." "But that's awfull! What do you take for it?" "Pepper." Answers the man. ***** Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the maddame. As it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is chineese and doesn't know a word of english. "I'll take her." He sais desperately, as he is also in a hurry. So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full whack the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes that this means, great, fantastic etc, so he continues unpreturbed. The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chineese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then the client T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly found chineese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" He proclames, to which the client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" **** Q. What do a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common? A. They are both fun to ride until you friends see you. ***************** I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a 'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it... Underneath someone had scrawled... '.......SO WAS THE TITANIC !!' *********** Did you hear about the guy who was into Sadism, Bestiality and Necrophilia? He gave it up. It was beating a dead horse. ******* A man took his girlfriend to see the doctor because she had been suffering chest pains. The doctor examined her and then asked her to step outside while he spoke to her boyfriend alone. doc - Well sir, your girlfriend has acute angina. man - Yeah! And her tits are pretty good as well! ************* Why are camels called ships of the desert? Because they are filled with Arab semen! ************ A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?" ********** While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects." "What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously. "Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on". *********** Four sisters in a church are going to confess. the first of them confess to the prayer that she had touch the sexual parties of a man with her right hand. So the prayer get red cheeks and tell her to wash her right hand in the holy water and to pray fifty times. Then the second sister come in the confessional and says to the father : I'm soory father, but i think i made a little mistake because i have had a man'sex in my left hand. The prayer becomes angry and tell her : You have to wash your left hand in the holy water and then pray at least 100 times for Mary. Then the fourth sister says to the third : Please let me go before you, because i don't want to wash my mouth in the water after you had wash your ass in it.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were at the doctors office for some prenatal care. The brunette says that her mother has a theory for predicting the sex of a baby....it depends on the "position" they were in. The brunette says, "based on my mothers theory, since I was on top, my baby is going to be a girl". The redhead says, "well then, mine is going to be a boy since my husband was on top". By this time, the blonde was crying hysterically. The other two as what's wrong and the blonde responds, "I'mmmmm gooooinnnnng to havvve puppp.pp..ppp..ies!!!" *********** Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks for the price. This frog is worth $4000, madam. WHAT ? why is it so expensive ? Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus. I see... I'll take it. takes frog home, showers, puts silk gown, perfume, opens box on bed. frog doesn't perform, she calls the shop. I'll be right over, says the shopowner. Moments later, shopowner sees the problem, tells the frog : All right now, Look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you !!! ************** Lawyer : Well Mr.Mouse, I dont relly think that your wife Minnie having bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce Mickie : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I sid she was fucking goofy ********** Q. Whats the largest drawback in the jungle? A. An elephants foreskin ********** Q. What do a walrus and a tupperware box have in common? A. both like a tight seal. ******** ******************************************************************************** Q. What's black and runs on electricity ? A. Michael Watson ******************************************************************************** Q: What's the worst thing about having a heart/lung transplant? A: Coughing up someone else's phlemb. ******************************************************************************** Snow White has been thrown out of fairyland. She was caught sitting on Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you little sod, lie!!' Why did the leper fail his driving test? Because he left his foot on the accelerator........
