Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large

             powerful corporations capable of destroying mere mortal

             humans like sparrows in a jet turbine is, um, pure

             coincidence. Really.

       --------------------------------------------------------------

1.  Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.



2.  Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they

       make your butt look big.



3.  Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.



4.  Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully

       volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.



5.  At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"



6.  Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated

      CD prices are in pesos or rubles.



7.  Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.



8.  Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...



9.  ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that

      they're "astronaut food."



10.  Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from

      Dianetics.



11.  Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.



12.  Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white

      and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him

      a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"



13.  Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.



14.  Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion

      dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without

      warning.



15.  Test mattresses in your pajamas.



16.  Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.



17.  If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an

        hour while rocking from side to side.



18.  Sprint up the down escalator.



19.  Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers

       whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture."



20.  Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in

       Spanish.



21.  Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.



22.  Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a

       particular saw cuts through bone.



23.  At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils,

       and whether there's much meat on them.



24.  Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.



25.  Ask for rose-tinted lenses at the optometrist.



26.  Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them*

       with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.



27.  Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store,

     insisting that you lost a contact lens.



28.  Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches

     the color of your beard.



29.  In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see

     London, I see France..."



30.  Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes,

     and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.



31.  Play the tuba for change.



32.  Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My

     Hotrod."



  33.  Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform

       gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.



  34.  Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy

       will "give you a really wicked buzz".



  35.  Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any

       giant crap made out of straw."



  36.  "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.



  37.  Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as

       religious tracts.



  38.  Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push

       you around in it.



  39.  Change every TV in the electronics department to a station

       showing "Saved by the Bell."  Chant the dialogue in a robotic

       voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of

       the sets.



  40.  Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department

       wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles

       yelling "scratch one flattop!"



  41.  Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and

       scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".



  42.  "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots

       of explosion noises.



  43.  Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.



  44.  Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke

       arguments over whether they're real.



  45.  If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.



  46.  Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department

       stores and say "Domino's."



  47.  Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing

       to scratch yourself.



  48.  At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.



  49.  Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether

       they've seen this man."



  50.  Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes

       later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it

       hasn't turned blue yet.

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